This looks good but I asked you guys to compose a Works Cited page with an entry for the photograph. Also, I see that you have quoted from the readings and this means you must compose Works Cited entries for the readings from which you quoted. If you look in The Little Penguin Handbook (2nd edition), in Part 3 Documentation, on page 78 you'll see the format for documenting Selection from an anthology or edited collection-use this to document our course readings. You can find all the information you need under Course Documents. On page 95, you'll find the format for documenting Painting, sculpture or photograph. Use this format to compose an entry for your photograph.
Hi Glenda, my name is Shannon and here is what I have to say about your essay:
a) Your introduction is pretty basic but definitely has potential. You understand the concept you just need a little guidance . The thesis isn’t very clear, and I’m pretty confused to which sentence is in fact your thesis. What are you trying to prove/ say about this picture? What did you write this essay for? How did you know he was a male? Also, give more detail of the picture so the audience can see the picture in their head. Give a little more personality or opinion in your first paragraph and make it engaging! Try starting by describing the picture then listing your main points to introduce your body paragraphs and essay. You also don’t need the sentence about the men being father and son.
b) Body Paragraph 1: Your focus was how Emilio posed for the picture and why he did that. But what you forgot to mention was who Emilio is. How did you know he was a male? Was the S.U.V. his or someone else’s? Go into detail about how bigger things are more attractive to men and why you know this. Give some quotes or examples to prove your point. The sentence “I remember quite well…” is irrelevant in the essay because it doesn’t prove anything about Emilio in the picture.
Body Paragraph 2: You focus on two different aspects in your second body paragraph. You talk about the facial expressions and then you talk about how writing is not considered masculine. You can make these topics into 2 different paragraphs if you have more examples for the facial expression aspect. Maybe you can write about how men don’t show emotion as much as women and you can include your theory about smiling and the quote “Boys don’t cry…” The writing supporting details are great! They just need to be structured in their own separate paragraph.
c) Your final concluding paragraph is not a conclusion at all. Maybe you didn’t write a conclusion or thought this was one, but instead you added a new observation which is fine if you have a correct conclusion. Your last body is however a little confusing. I am not sure what you are trying to say with your last quote. You have a good start with your theory on manly colors and feminine colors, but your final quote contradicts that by saying that you the girl had a Yankees cap on which made everyone think she was a boy.
d) I would say your biggest strength in your paper would be your understanding of the concept! I know that you have lots of ideas to express on the topic and I can definitely see the potential of this paper. You have a few strong examples too which really prove your point, you just need a few more like that!
e) First of all you only wrote 500 words instead of 600, so fill up that empty space by providing more supporting details and an in depth thesis for your paper. Read is out loud a few times to check your grammar and to make sure everything makes sense to you. This also helps to throw out the unnecessary sentences to create a more developed paper. Separate your body paragraphs into 3 or 4 clear and concise supporting details. Then you will have an awesome paper!
I’m excited to read the finished product. I hope this critique helped!
This looks good but I asked you guys to compose a Works Cited page with an entry for the photograph. Also, I see that you have quoted from the readings and this means you must compose Works Cited entries for the readings from which you quoted. If you look in The Little Penguin Handbook (2nd edition), in Part 3 Documentation, on page 78 you'll see the format for documenting Selection from an anthology or edited collection-use this to document our course readings. You can find all the information you need under Course Documents. On page 95, you'll find the format for documenting Painting, sculpture or photograph. Use this format to compose an entry for your photograph.
ReplyDeleteHi Glenda, my name is Shannon and here is what I have to say about your essay:
ReplyDeletea) Your introduction is pretty basic but definitely has potential. You understand the concept you just need a little guidance . The thesis isn’t very clear, and I’m pretty confused to which sentence is in fact your thesis. What are you trying to prove/ say about this picture? What did you write this essay for? How did you know he was a male? Also, give more detail of the picture so the audience can see the picture in their head. Give a little more personality or opinion in your first paragraph and make it engaging! Try starting by describing the picture then listing your main points to introduce your body paragraphs and essay. You also don’t need the sentence about the men being father and son.
b)
Body Paragraph 1: Your focus was how Emilio posed for the picture and why he did that. But what you forgot to mention was who Emilio is. How did you know he was a male? Was the S.U.V. his or someone else’s? Go into detail about how bigger things are more attractive to men and why you know this. Give some quotes or examples to prove your point. The sentence “I remember quite well…” is irrelevant in the essay because it doesn’t prove anything about Emilio in the picture.
Body Paragraph 2: You focus on two different aspects in your second body paragraph. You talk about the facial expressions and then you talk about how writing is not considered masculine. You can make these topics into 2 different paragraphs if you have more examples for the facial expression aspect. Maybe you can write about how men don’t show emotion as much as women and you can include your theory about smiling and the quote “Boys don’t cry…” The writing supporting details are great! They just need to be structured in their own separate paragraph.
c) Your final concluding paragraph is not a conclusion at all. Maybe you didn’t write a conclusion or thought this was one, but instead you added a new observation which is fine if you have a correct conclusion. Your last body is however a little confusing. I am not sure what you are trying to say with your last quote. You have a good start with your theory on manly colors and feminine colors, but your final quote contradicts that by saying that you the girl had a Yankees cap on which made everyone think she was a boy.
d) I would say your biggest strength in your paper would be your understanding of the concept! I know that you have lots of ideas to express on the topic and I can definitely see the potential of this paper. You have a few strong examples too which really prove your point, you just need a few more like that!
e) First of all you only wrote 500 words instead of 600, so fill up that empty space by providing more supporting details and an in depth thesis for your paper. Read is out loud a few times to check your grammar and to make sure everything makes sense to you. This also helps to throw out the unnecessary sentences to create a more developed paper. Separate your body paragraphs into 3 or 4 clear and concise supporting details. Then you will have an awesome paper!
I’m excited to read the finished product. I hope this critique helped!